I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

I'm not sure if this fits anything but it is a great quote...

wellllll

life is too weird.

i'm friends with the fools new girlfriend. i met her while with my brother... Shes cute, sweet and not fat. i actually like her... its comforting that there are things about her that i'd never want to be... she's into sports, might live in slo for the rest of her days...i don't know. its better to have met her. Thank god she wasn't with him. I would have thrown up.

what-else... my co-workers friend asked me to go on a hike sometime... i thought i might like him but now i'm thinking he creeps me out a bit. so pass.

the musician txted me the other day to see if i wanted to go with him to a show but i was outta town... not sure if i want to go anyhow.

also THE ACTOR... Ghostbusters... i well... this is a good story.
i acted in a friends short film and became acquainted with a guy i went to high school with... now that i remember we acted once together in HS and we actually kissed then too... it was part of a possible orgy situation involving a kinda whorish girl who was doing make up and another cute guy who is actually dating one of my friends now... he also lived with my cousin... anyway Ghostbusters. we built some crazy sexual tension acting and ending up kissing the night we wrapped. there was an awesome wind blowing... we kissed in The Fools kitchen. it was wet and quick... and very nice.

anyhow we bantered on a social site and met up the next time i was in town.
we slept together and it was awesome. honestly i started to think i was bad at it after the couple times with... with a guy i haven't mentioned here! man... well call him BM (he's part of someone else's dream... but i'll get to him in a second)
GB wants to see me again... maybe over Christmas break.

ok
BM

We met almost a year ago.. last Christmas... right after the fool let me go. Christmas day actually. he walked in with one of my bffs and her then fiance... i thought they were brothers but turns out they were best friends. i actually changed my shirt when i saw him so that i wouldn't look like an abominable snow man. we hung out that night and i got the feeling he liked me. then we hung out the next night, danced and made out. slept in the same bed together. he asked me to go with him to a concert for new years but we had a misunderstanding where both of us thought the other had the others number.
anyway long story short we've been in contact on and off all year. he's friends with my dad now. my mom thinks he's adorable. but we still don't really know eachother. living in different cities... plus he's a little crazy i think...drinks too much maybe... smokes too much maybe... and god knows what else really. if we were closer i think he'd listen to any request i had and try to be a great boyfriend... my bff thinks he's a bad influence on her now husband... i'm not really sure about that. i do know that they don't question anything the other does. it's all go team with them.

...
ok
...

re: BM... I told one of my close friends this: "He's all made of light and stuff."
... he is... it would be a lot of work though. he needs help of some kind... that's my type. fixer-uppers.

Ghostbusters would not be this sort... but who know's what he actually feels about me... i'm on to feelings... now that i'm trying to wear a chastity belt. i want someone to go on dates with.
looking for my equal.

still really dont have the time. still fixing up myself...
need to set some sights on school... get out of the cubical lifestyle...

fuck you dr. seuss

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

Dr. Seuss


well i saw a picture of them together and she looked kinda fat. shouldn't make me feel better but it does... damn almost '10 and still going strong... what the fucking shit. need a move. a change. a shaved head?
damn.

it hurts

“Love is like energy. It can never be created nor destroyed...it is just always there. You just have to realize that fact and you have to learn that as soon as you stopped loving him in the way you did that love left to somewhere else. Now all you have to do is find out where that love went. That love went to whoever the next person in your life will be. That next person could be one of your friends or someone you might dislike, you just have to find that out.”

Ian Philpot

major fuck up 09

well its that time
to make a real change

the fool is in love with someone else

he's gone

and on top of the matter i fucked up big
too much to drink
blackout
naked

ew
oh god no.

and its not the first time
it needs to be the last time

i recieved a true heart of friendship
i'm going to keep it in mine

no drinking for a time
a long time

one day at a time
slowly fix it
there are better ways
there's so much more to life
jesus i keep typing 'time'
that's the issue

i'm sick, taking pills
greatful that i'll get better
sometime

with the fool in the arms of a real love i'm left looking at myself
i don't want to fall in love
i just started getting sex on a semiregualr basis without getting hurt or having a relationship... which is idealy what i want right now... but what would be great would be to meet someone i just couldn't help but fall for. looking for a 'soulmate' haha
right
cautiously optimistic

just got to remember i've got alot to do
while everyone else gets distracted
put together something for everyone
a place where love doesn't die
strength that won't let others give in
a place called home

the front porch to beat all front porches.
i can have a heart big enough to forgive
i can have a mind strong enough to know when to let go
and when to hold on

i can hold them all in my arms and not feel loss or lost
just to find someone to hold for a moment is amazing enough
to be allowed to share in it is the proof of humanity

be the change you want to see in the world
be your own hero


be impeccable with your word
don't take anything personally
don't make assumptions
always do your best

To experience love, we must go inside. When you experience real love you get into a state which is beyond words. You are filled with a joy that goes beyond all emotions. True love is the love of the inner Self. - Swami Muktananda

balls

so i guess i'm not over the fool...
nope
nope
balls

i met someone special
but now
i can't think about anyone else
just sleeping in his arms tied me up again

then i fucked it up again
again is a big thing
drunk dialed
don't know what i said
been radio silence ever since

so much the better
but damn
damn
damn

met an artist who seemed cool
then he drunk texted me cursing
and being all crazy

damn again
can't let someone so like me into my life

and the someone special
i'm worried
i'm just going
to leave him in the dust
of my obsessions

so fuck em all
focus
focus
focus

and buy a vibrator?

a night of peace

i got sick and it gave me a reason to be able to stay home.
rest
i keep pushing myself
i need rest

i've been fairly certain i'll never find my equal
i've been in love
but the people have rarly been my equal
i've been protecting myself-?

fulfillment ends
i have to pursue joy
which comes with pain

i have been

right...

i have, been right.

oh rest
silence

empty hands without remorse.

kemosabe

what the hell...
friendship is a strange thing to have with a past lover.
wither its you who loved the most or the least
how do you protect yourself when they are already in your skin

sex

that is all

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

Valentines Day approaches. Huh. I’ve been single on Valentines Day before, right? Last year my current ex went all out. My car was full of flowers and balloons when I left work and there were more presents at home… when it was home. I remember he said “I feel bad. I haven’t done anything for you in a long time.” Yeah. That was true and he didn’t do anything more than that. It was really sweet though. And telling the story made other girls feel sad that no one did that for them.
The last time I remember being single on V-Day I cut my hair off and bleached it. I was too non-committal for the guy I was seeing to ask to take me out. We spent an awkward dinner with friends at some place like Marie Calendars. At least there was pie. I’ve been so busy lately that I might just stay in bed. I really really want to. I’ve got to save up some energy or I will surly parish.
There was a baby shower I went to. People are getting married like it’s a race… and then the pressure to conceive for the sake of awesome camping trips with friends and their little families.

"I don't know if we can afford a child with all the margaritas we buy hunny."
~Bill Hicks
I think I’m going to just rent a kid for those occasions. See if I get invited.

Oh jezze. More V-Day memories to come.