One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

- Larry Gelbart

oh so true.

if i can't laugh i'll die
at least i'll always have that

And!! God Damn The Fool

He started texting me again. I think trying to rekindle our friendship.

I'm not really sure but since I kept myself from hating him... I still love him. It sucks. He sucks. Yet, he's awesome. Just freaking love the boy. What a god damn mother fucker.

We tried to meet up this weekend but it didn't pan out. Actually bent to the whim of my girlfriend wanting to meet up with her crush. It didn't work out the way she would have liked. Manboys from my home town just can't figure out how to close a deal... not on real time. They can pull it off on small town time. Small town time goes on forever and ever.

Bleak. I'm getting bleak-ed... batik-ed, chewed like meat.

Making Out

So ended up making our with my co-workers friend. It was fun but kinda stupid.
Sober. Very Sober. So I don't really have an excuse.
Well... the excuse is that When Harry Met Sally was on twice within the last few weeks at times I could just sit and cry. As well was feeling pretty down. Needed some good news.
However I am such a child. I've been avoiding him the slightest. Tonight we're all hanging out for this movie night thing.
Shouldn't be too strange. He's leaving town soon. Moving to another state.
Which is great for me.

Well its on to old scars... I saw one of my ex's this weekend. I road tripped home to see the Fam for my b-day and Easter. I've expected to see him every time I've gone home for the last three years or so. We broke up about five years ago.
I was waiting for a table to be ready at a local eatery. A mutual friend of ours saw me through the window and was waving at me. I was confused for a second thinking "You are late for dinner! Wait you wern't coming to dinner!" and as that thought was crawling through my TCH sponged brain. I saw him.
He saw me.

That's it.

I thought the world would end in that moment. But it didn't.

"Is that all there is of love? If that's all there is... then lets keep dancing..."

I wanted more from the experience. But perhaps the look of shock/distane in his eyes is enough. Mine was anger via my confusion then utter disbelief the moment our gaze met. My mouth agape. Like a total idiot. But I was always a total idiot when it came to him.
He has a baby now and a fiance. Yet even as far as he's moved on he still has room to hate me. Fantastic.
In my daydreams I meet them all at once. And I get to tell him how beautiful his baby is and how happy I am for them. That is in a world where he would talk to me cordially.
It's hard to hate and love someone. I hated him because I loved him.

Sometimes I think I'll never fall in love again because of that relationship. Because I slayed bursting hearts all over town for about a year. Hearts are resilient so I had to kill the same ones repeatedly to create the kind of karma that only great traitors warrant.
I learned to forgive myself and heal my sickness... but I haven't done enough good deeds yet to cancel out the darkness.

Perhaps I've learned nothing.