jesux

just made myself so ridiculously sad!
i'm lonely. like really... i want someone to love. god damn it.
i just won't make myself leave the house to meet people.
i'm in a frozen, self inflicted, broke as a joke, don't know where i'm going state of being
i guess i'm reacting to the weather too... my weekend sunburn is shivering in the new fog cloud of fall... oh fall... another fall...
i feel so gross...

ack.
why can't something work out. what's working out that i don't know about.
i know i'm still working on project figure your shit out but it's really freaking hard!
right computer silence? right?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

lame lame lame lame lame
i have things to do but don't want to do them
what kind of psychological problem is that?

and then i didn't update current interests... the fool and i hooked up again... it was really sweet and so great... and we were talking on the phone and texting and it was still going really great... but i stopped. just stopped. i can't do it. i want to tell him i love him, that we should have babies and be together forever.
i know he loves me.
but it wouldn't work...
we're both too stupid. but i think about him everyday. all the time.
that was about a month since i last spoke to him. i kept telling myself that i'd call. then i kept telling myself i'd see him soon enough... but i haven't on either account...
what am i supposed to do?

so i pretend... like i have since i can remember... the conversations, the kisses, hand holding, snuggles, longing stares... i'll never grow up.
dreams are so much nicer than what you get... i want to find someone that wants to dream with me... the dreamy love...

Welp that was a waste of energy

I never learn. I never ever learn.

Ok it's time to get to brass tax here. When I started this blog I was newly out of a four year relationship and running straight into what was a very stupid relationship that did not work out at all.

So now about two years later and nothing really. I haven't ever learned how to date. This sucks!

I logged into okcupid a bit. I just can't get the hang of that. And I'm too busy just to look around and write people back. Even people who sounded amazing. It's just not my bag.

But I met someone I liked a lot. But I guess he doesn't like me as much or as I've been realizing no one really wants to get involved. Hook ups are great.
Right. That's totally where my head was. But I met this guy who's awesome and now all I want is the whole boyfriend thing. LAME
LAME
LAMEEEEEEEEE

Ah. Then I made the FOOLish mistake again. Man. It was awesome though. Which sucks. Writing this now I'm even pushing away a tide of feelings. All sorts.
I have a big wall up because of how things were before. So I'm not worried about falling in love. I just want him to not act like a complete idiot. I mean we are friends! Really! We care about each other. We love each other. It's just impossible. I'm going to have the whole conversation with him. I need people in my life that I can be completely honest with. And if that only is possible with shared secrets than at least we have secrets for a good purpose.

I blew off a perfectly nice fellow. My co-workers friend. But I don't feel bad about it because he was super dumb in his wording of things... we made out again but I kept thinking about my new crush. And then when he was leaving he said "I'd really like to have fun with you bla bla bla bla bla"

Well I don't want to "have fun" with you. Jerk.
He really didn't mean it that way but it's like: Come on! Really? That's your line? It's sad because I know he actually likes me a lot. Not just the getting into my pants aspect but he has no game. Sweet but with out the ability to verbalize what's up.

I need a verbal person. I'm not making that mistake again.

I was also thinking about what is actually wrong with me. I think that since I've been single now for the longest time in my life since I started "dating" I'm facing so much about myself.
For instance I keep thinking about what my life would be like with different people but the problem is that its always so different but that's because of them. If I date the communications liberal studies guy we'll have that life.
If I date the city guy we'll stay here and build a life.
If I date the hometown guy I'll go home and figure things out

All the major clues that I have no idea what I want... from life at all. I just want someone to tell me what to do. Great feminist for you.

Gah. And then I think well it's time to go for it and find the girl of your dreams.
I mean maybe that's the problem: "You are totally gay, not just bi."

I guess I just really want to fall in love. At this point I'm not sure if I have ever really been in love. And that makes me sad. It makes me think about what I did have but never really had. I loved my high school sweetheart. I still do. I loved them all.

So then. The realist in me say's maybe that's all I get. I heard a commercial the other day claim that we kiss 22000hours in our life. I think I'm over that. So maybe I'm just finished.

Regardless there are things I really need to figure out. Without someone else. But there's always someone else I'm thinking of.

I have a crush on every boy.

damn it.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

- Larry Gelbart

oh so true.

if i can't laugh i'll die
at least i'll always have that

And!! God Damn The Fool

He started texting me again. I think trying to rekindle our friendship.

I'm not really sure but since I kept myself from hating him... I still love him. It sucks. He sucks. Yet, he's awesome. Just freaking love the boy. What a god damn mother fucker.

We tried to meet up this weekend but it didn't pan out. Actually bent to the whim of my girlfriend wanting to meet up with her crush. It didn't work out the way she would have liked. Manboys from my home town just can't figure out how to close a deal... not on real time. They can pull it off on small town time. Small town time goes on forever and ever.

Bleak. I'm getting bleak-ed... batik-ed, chewed like meat.

Making Out

So ended up making our with my co-workers friend. It was fun but kinda stupid.
Sober. Very Sober. So I don't really have an excuse.
Well... the excuse is that When Harry Met Sally was on twice within the last few weeks at times I could just sit and cry. As well was feeling pretty down. Needed some good news.
However I am such a child. I've been avoiding him the slightest. Tonight we're all hanging out for this movie night thing.
Shouldn't be too strange. He's leaving town soon. Moving to another state.
Which is great for me.

Well its on to old scars... I saw one of my ex's this weekend. I road tripped home to see the Fam for my b-day and Easter. I've expected to see him every time I've gone home for the last three years or so. We broke up about five years ago.
I was waiting for a table to be ready at a local eatery. A mutual friend of ours saw me through the window and was waving at me. I was confused for a second thinking "You are late for dinner! Wait you wern't coming to dinner!" and as that thought was crawling through my TCH sponged brain. I saw him.
He saw me.

That's it.

I thought the world would end in that moment. But it didn't.

"Is that all there is of love? If that's all there is... then lets keep dancing..."

I wanted more from the experience. But perhaps the look of shock/distane in his eyes is enough. Mine was anger via my confusion then utter disbelief the moment our gaze met. My mouth agape. Like a total idiot. But I was always a total idiot when it came to him.
He has a baby now and a fiance. Yet even as far as he's moved on he still has room to hate me. Fantastic.
In my daydreams I meet them all at once. And I get to tell him how beautiful his baby is and how happy I am for them. That is in a world where he would talk to me cordially.
It's hard to hate and love someone. I hated him because I loved him.

Sometimes I think I'll never fall in love again because of that relationship. Because I slayed bursting hearts all over town for about a year. Hearts are resilient so I had to kill the same ones repeatedly to create the kind of karma that only great traitors warrant.
I learned to forgive myself and heal my sickness... but I haven't done enough good deeds yet to cancel out the darkness.

Perhaps I've learned nothing.

Feeling Strangely Desperate

My heart is looking for somewhere to rest! It sucks!!

Heard that a person I was convinced I was in love with quite a while ago is seeing someone new. She's one of our acquaintances baby mama... No offense to the mothers out there but WHAT THE FUCK.

Another guy friend met a great girl. He's not exactly the type you think is going to get a model girlfriend. But seems to be going down. I'm really happy for him. I just gets one to thinking WHAT THE FUCK...

OH GOD DAMN IT ALL. Will I never meet my match? Where are my equals? I'm such a homebody and I know that doesn't help much in meeting people but come on... Plus I'm hanging out with really young people. Most of them have never been in a long committed relationship... I keep going to gay bars because my gay friend is my most active companion. Also not a great place to meet straight men... I'm also thinking about how much harder it's going to be when I move North... where 3 outta 4 men are going to be gay. then 3 out of 4 straight men will be in committed relationships.

I'm really bad today. I keep thinking about people that I already decided I wasn't going to pursue. Like GB and my friends friend... What the hell!! I still need to figure myself out... but I'm gettin close. Maybe that's why I'm seeking a major distraction. Facing yourself is hard.

what a dick

well mel and her bf broke up nothing new. a lot like Dylan and I's break up.

he said something to her about me though.
used me as an example of a lonely unhappy person that isn't doing anything with their life. what?
i can't believe i was so nice to that asshole.
he's still be in a small town working on toilets if it weren't for mel.
and i'm much better off now being out of a relationship. man. what the hell...
still i'm kinda heart broken right now and why the hell does he get to say shit about me? he doesn't even know anything about anything.
plus do i seem unhappy? i guess that's the part that really bothers me.
do other people look at me and think i'm unhappy? most of the time i'm kinda having a blast. i usually don't give a flying fuck what people think but it's strange to actually know.

anyhow still thinking a lot about BM. or MM. or mmmmmmmmm! jerk.

Pablo Neruda

And Now You're Mine


And now you're mine. Rest with your dreams in my dream.
Love and pain and work should all sleep, now.
The night turns on its invisible wheels,
And you are pure besides me as a sleeping ember.

No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go;
We will go together, over the waters of time.
No one esle will travel through the shadows with me,
Only you, ever green, ever sun, ever moon.

Your hands have already opened their delicate fists
And let their soft drifting signs drop away;
Your eyes closed like two gray wings, and I move
After, following the folding water you carry, that carries
Me away. The night, the world, the wind spins out their destiny.
Without you, I am your dream, only that, and that is all.

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” -Oscar Wilde

need to read Brothers Karamazov

Never be frightened at your own faint-heartedness in attaining love.
Don't be frightened overmuch even at your evil actions. I am sorry I can say nothing more consoling to you, for love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all. Men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on the stage. But active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science.

still can't stop thinking about him. damn it.

"Every Day You Play"
By Pablo Neruda

Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.

You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.

The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.

You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.

Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth.

How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,
my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.
I want
to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals. - Buddha

blablabla

ghostbuster came to visit... was nice. but i think i want to tell him we can't see each other. it was kinda couple-y again.
think i might be in love with BM.
why's he such an idiot.
it makes me one.

the year of the year

ok so shite...
follow up:
the fools new girlfriend is his ex. she cheated on him in a bit of a crazy way. eh. my ex told me. nice.

ummm had a date with GB over the break went really well. physical aspects not as good as before. but that's a good thing. if it had been i'd be in real trouble. he was really sweet and it was kinda couple-y.

almost made out with two people i'm glad i didn't.

one is really cute and kinda awesome but is basicly family. you don't fuck with that.

woke up with something going on that i wasn't aware of on new years. glad i came to when i did. my first love told me i kiss in my sleep. well i hope that's all.
jesus.

anyhow then saw the BM before i left. kinda strange. but good. had been bitter that he wasn't getting in contact with me but now its different. it's like he's just waits for me to contact him. like i'm super busy with my awesomeness... which is true

since the fool i've been protecting my heart vigilantly. sex is one thing. dating another. love + me= sucksville.
what's a girl to do?

"i have a crush on every boy"
i do though. so much to like about most people. no focus. none at all.


oh! and BM came to visit me a few weeks ago. was pretty romantic walking around in the rain practically the whole weekend... then we didn't talk at all. its so strange.