he finally set me free

oh thank heaven
i couldn't have gone another day
fretting over that boy
i needed to hear that i wasn't his
now the world lays at my feet

am i too full of hubris?
oh well
to fall
to fall
down
is
the point

how else can i figure out
how to grow up

figure it the fuck out chica

no more contact.

let it go.

enough.

fuck me

well yeah that's how it goes.

am i in actuality a total whore?

alright i'll expand
for the sake of my memory

i went home for the holiday
first saw a big group of my old guy friends
one of them (one of my besties ex) i believe tried to kiss me--
but i squashed it fast
then i made out with one of my old girlfriends for a good while
then
saw the guy i want
had him
dragged out my time there
saw many a good old school peep
left in the cover of night
(lacking a goodbye kiss)
then receive a text message from one of my old friends
i had almost taken his virginity years ago
and he still regrets it not happening
not that he's still a virgin or anything
he's pretty sexy though
damn

there is even one big awful thing i did.
but its a secret.

i can't believe

i'm going to let him break my heart.

oh well.

it'll be good for me.

i miss him and need to get over it

Whoever counters the malicious with malice can never be free, but one who feels no maliciousness pacifies those who hate. Hate brings misery to humanity so the wise man knows no hatred. - Buddha

feeling down

how long does it take for distance to break someones heart when accompanied by silence?

time wears a person down.
i was never someone waiting by the phone.........

gross

so i hate knowing who other people have slept with.
its pretty much the most disgusting thing ever.

the fool slept with my archnemesis.
she's a girly girl, beautiful.

i hate how people can be so out of your life and still effect you.
i hate how as much as it matters to me i still want him.

it was a long time ago... right?
well not all that long ago.

i have to meet new people.
i have to restart my brain.
i have no choice but to move on.

i don't need to feel shitty about loving someone.

i have to stay sane and learn how to get on without someone there loving me.

is this the lamest blog ever?

so i'm crazy

i used to have this re-occurring dream about being rescued from a nazi death camp. i remember the guy. he had blue eyes and dark curly hair. we would run down to a train station and i can never remember getting out of the train station.

i'm thinking that the fool reminds me of this dream person. it would explain why i like that song. also maybe its a past life regression memory. it was just weird that on yom kippur i decided to research the lyrics and find out about the death camp in Treblinka. maybe i died there in the train station.
well that's my bit of crazy things that i can believe in.
maybe the fool really is this person who tried to save me. explain the intensity, how much i miss his kiss.
whats a girl to do. he's been in contact a bit since i wrote he was giving me the silent treatment. hum, alive, alive, alive, alive with love.

this song makes me think of him... not usually my style

“Alive With The Glory of Love”

When I watch you, wanna do you, right where you're standing…yeah.
Right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view…oh, yeah….
Of the whole ghetto, the boot-stomped meadows, but we ignore that, yeah.
You're lovely baby, this war is crazy, I won't let you down…oh, no no….

No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
Oh, no…I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
No, oh no, no, no….

And when our city vast and shitty falls to the Axis, yeah…
They'll search the buildings, collect gold fillings, wallets, and rings…oh, yeah.
But Miss Black Eyeliner, you'd look finer with each day in hiding, oh yeah…
Beneath the wormwood, ooooo, love me so good…
They won't hear us screw away the day.
I'll make you say:

“Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…”
“Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…”

(No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
Whoa, no…I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…)

Our Treblinka is alive with the glory of love….
Treblinka, alive with the glory of love! Yeah!

(Ok, speed it up….Go!)

Should they catch us and dispatch us to those separate WORK camps.
I'll dream about you, I will not doubt you with the passing of time….Oh, yeah.
Should they kill me, your love will fill me as warm as the bullets, yeah.
I'll know my purpose: this war was worth this. I won't let you down…

No, I won’t….
No, I won’t….
No, I won’t….

(Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…)
Hell no, no…Whoa, no, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you….Hell, no, no.
No! No!

frustrations abound

well so still crushing on the fool. he's giving me the silent treatment. good for him.
my band played on the radio yesterday. oh how i love love love college radio.
one of the djs there was pretty cute, my guitarist said he 'liked me' and winked

good good. i think i was trying hard enough.

soooooo, been sexless for over a month now. the ex is trying his damnedest.
i'm doing really good for me. ya know, at saying 'NO.'
not that i don't feel like caving but luckily i just started my period so at least theres a bit of a
deterrent.
and some signs of emotional growth...

....but you see i got this soul
its all fired up. [interpol]

i think i'm going to be alone forever or at least i should be

Well... i let my self fall in a matter of seconds for someone i'll never be with.
i'm determined not to make the same mistake i made before...

i woke up thinking about it this morning...
i lost a year and everything i ever had for one person...
who cares right?

its time to move on again.
and by move on i mean far far from here
and the friendships i made through my ex

i have to let him have them

She had an unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.

- Henry James

Its true.
...
what should I do?

The Fool and The Unfinished Painting

" When love is not madness, it is not love."

Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I fell in love. It's really, really stupid. With a completely impossible person.
And now what? Be an adult and just say no?
When I really really don't want to.
I haven't felt this way in a while.
But its a few things
1. too soon?
2. with a close friend to my ex
3. with a total child
4. with someone as messed up as me
5. best kiss ever
6. i'm totally insane

Crush #1

totally not my type
and that's a good thing
the kind of guy who takes better care of himself than i ever would
but wouldn't have to.

blalalalalala

too close too close
brings a person to tears
i haven't wanted something i couldn't have in a while
i guess that's nice.

first night at home alone

went alright.
held off from calling anyone
a great achievement for me.

i played guitar
started writing some songs

fell asleep

dreams of old ex's

holding it together

Daily Reminder

But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha