I never learn. I never ever learn.
Ok it's time to get to brass tax here. When I started this blog I was newly out of a four year relationship and running straight into what was a very stupid relationship that did not work out at all.
So now about two years later and nothing really. I haven't ever learned how to date. This sucks!
I logged into okcupid a bit. I just can't get the hang of that. And I'm too busy just to look around and write people back. Even people who sounded amazing. It's just not my bag.
But I met someone I liked a lot. But I guess he doesn't like me as much or as I've been realizing no one really wants to get involved. Hook ups are great.
Right. That's totally where my head was. But I met this guy who's awesome and now all I want is the whole boyfriend thing. LAME
LAME
LAMEEEEEEEEE
Ah. Then I made the FOOLish mistake again. Man. It was awesome though. Which sucks. Writing this now I'm even pushing away a tide of feelings. All sorts.
I have a big wall up because of how things were before. So I'm not worried about falling in love. I just want him to not act like a complete idiot. I mean we are friends! Really! We care about each other. We love each other. It's just impossible. I'm going to have the whole conversation with him. I need people in my life that I can be completely honest with. And if that only is possible with shared secrets than at least we have secrets for a good purpose.
I blew off a perfectly nice fellow. My co-workers friend. But I don't feel bad about it because he was super dumb in his wording of things... we made out again but I kept thinking about my new crush. And then when he was leaving he said "I'd really like to have fun with you bla bla bla bla bla"
Well I don't want to "have fun" with you. Jerk.
He really didn't mean it that way but it's like: Come on! Really? That's your line? It's sad because I know he actually likes me a lot. Not just the getting into my pants aspect but he has no game. Sweet but with out the ability to verbalize what's up.
I need a verbal person. I'm not making that mistake again.
I was also thinking about what is actually wrong with me. I think that since I've been single now for the longest time in my life since I started "dating" I'm facing so much about myself.
For instance I keep thinking about what my life would be like with different people but the problem is that its always so different but that's because of them. If I date the communications liberal studies guy we'll have that life.
If I date the city guy we'll stay here and build a life.
If I date the hometown guy I'll go home and figure things out
All the major clues that I have no idea what I want... from life at all. I just want someone to tell me what to do. Great feminist for you.
Gah. And then I think well it's time to go for it and find the girl of your dreams.
I mean maybe that's the problem: "You are totally gay, not just bi."
I guess I just really want to fall in love. At this point I'm not sure if I have ever really been in love. And that makes me sad. It makes me think about what I did have but never really had. I loved my high school sweetheart. I still do. I loved them all.
So then. The realist in me say's maybe that's all I get. I heard a commercial the other day claim that we kiss 22000hours in our life. I think I'm over that. So maybe I'm just finished.
Regardless there are things I really need to figure out. Without someone else. But there's always someone else I'm thinking of.
I have a crush on every boy.
damn it.
